One of the worse mistakes I have made in New York has been accepting and keeping a few friendships that I should never have.

One of the worse mistakes I have made in New York has been accepting and keeping a few friendships that I should never have. In particular, one comes to mind; let’s delve into a condensed version of the story.

In December of 2014, after a couple of years of working and living in New York, I wanted to change jobs to the sports marketing & branding field, which I had always wanted to do, and I had moved to New York to pursue.

I had an appointment to meet up with a friend; his name was Richard. At the time, he had a link (which was his wife) that would potentially be useful in looking for such opportunities in that Industry. So we had scheduled to meet up at a bar and talk over a few things in person.

The bar was the host venue of the Real Madrid fan club of New York, which Richard was a founding member and also on the administrative board. At that time, he spent a lot of his evenings there, which was required.

After work on a Wednesday in mid-December, I headed downtown New York to the bar from the Midtown area, where I worked at the time. It was about a 10 min train ride and then a 5 min walk.

When I got there, it was the end of year club raffle, and it was after the mid-week real Madrid Spanish league game. About six other club officials, including Richard, were closing books and doing paperwork in one corner of the bar.

Richard took a break, and then we spoke for a bit, and he had to go back while I waited for him. I stayed at the main bar, ordered a drink, and watched the day’s sports highlights and a few other games that were still on.

After a while, I got into a sports conversation with the guy on my right. He was about my age and was of Hispanic origins. We started having several exciting discussions. It was at that time it happened; the guy on my left yelled out into our conversation. That was the beginning; the guy started chipping in and joining our discussion. He finally got our attention by his incessant ad-lib on our sports conversation, particularly on soccer. Finally, the guy on my right called it a night, said goodbyes, that he had to be at work early in the morning, and he left.

I turned around to him, the guy on my left, and started listing to him. He wanted to talk and seemed like he was looking for an audience. I could also tell his was of West African origins, probably from the Southern parts of Nigeria; he fit the type, even though he appeared to delude himself that he was anything but that.

He finally got to asking me the question seemed to want to ask. What’s my ethnicity? I said I was now an adopted New York native by way of Lagos, Nigeria, and ethnically Igbo from Southeastern Nigeria. He told me that he was from the Ijaw area of Bayelsa State and had grown up in Benin, Edo State, all in Southern Nigeria. He said he is sure his last name, which he mentioned was Harry, deceived me. He laughed in an overly snarky male voice. Later on, I realized that he was an unclaimed child of an illegitimate affair between his very religious mother and a Yoruba person from Oyo State. He was one of three children from three men from the same mother, more if that for later.

At the end of the night, he requested to exchange phone numbers and social media handles, which we did. Honestly, I never really intended to keep in touch with him, and the reason was quite simple.

See, America can be a lonely place lacking real human connections, so most times, people, especially immigrants and those without a lot of family members around, tend to have a common thing for making friends with the intent of filling a void which especially worse in big cities in America.

It can be extreme, like hiring people to act as groomsmen & bridesmaids, wedding dates, escorts to family events, and so on.

I had a simple rule for the longest time; if I could not be friends with you in Nigeria, loneliness in America should never make me become friends with you. As elitist as it might seem, my experience with such things always ends up badly. I was also very content with the friends I had then. Raphael was someone who I would never want to be friends with in normal circumstances.

Even though Raphael and I had talked about several things, especially Nigerian sports and few topics in American politics, most Nigerians I know, even in Nigeria, could discuss the same, so that was not special.

One thing that makes New York City unique is the number of people always within proximity and the ease of movement, making it easy to meet people. It is also one of the world’s loneliest cities because it is tough to build meaningful connections. Making friends in the city with the wrong person has a very high probability, an almost assured occurrence.

Raphael, to me at the time, was the kind of person who always sightly rubbed me a certain wrong way. However, an absolute black consciousness had crept into my system from years of living in specific environments. At the time, I had decided to start widening my net without barriers; as that saying goes, support black.

So against my initial instincts and experience, Raphael and I kept in contact over the next 12 months. He started from reaching out to trying to bump into me at lunch on weekdays; he never seemed to have much going on in his life at the time. What followed was a few social media messages, texts, and messaging in some other forms. At the time, he was single and using his GI bill from his three years in the military, and surviving solely on that as he had no other income source. I also happened to meet Raphael’s roommate, John, by accident who was of Ghanaian origins. He seemed to be doing well and was in a similar boat to Raphael. He was ex-military on a GI Bill but had secured a full-time position with JP Morgan and seemed to be a world different as he was progressing and outwardly happy. Personally, his roommate was always pleasant to be around, and it made me try a bit to keep in contact by inviting both of them more to hangout. That was when bright red flags started showing.

First, Raphael’s constant and consistent negative talk about his roommate, painting him as bad as he possibly could in front of others. And encouraging others to have nothing to do with him, when we couldn’t see anything wrong with his roommate or others he would put in that boat. That way of reacting to people, I came to find out, was a hallmark of Raphael.

He was quick to become uncomfortable with many people. Consistently paint them black around any mutual friends, followed by looking for disagreements, insisting with words & actions that mutual friends choose between him and the person, no exceptions. In my estimation later, it was a manifestation of a very troubled childhood he had, the hallmark of which was the dad he never met and who never acknowledged him.

Either way, I kept on with the friendship with Raphael against the troubling picture that was emerging. I felt I had to see it through, no quitting at the time or realizing my support black position’s faultiness in this instance.

He would occasionally show up around my lunchtime even try to crash places I might be, which was surprising. He had now sometimes turned to soft loan requests from me and maybe others from his statements; I chose not to think much about it. I just saw it as a guy adjusting to a new town and situation.

Raphael’s GI Bill had a month left; he had applied to get a particular addition/extension unsuccessful. The extension request was based on the need to finish an unfinished program. So what he had at the time was a periodic military disability check of a couple of hundred dollars a month to survive on, which had an end date for before the year’s end.

Towards summer’s end, he had to move out of where he lived in Brooklyn with his roommate; of course, any relationship between them had ended. Before I knew what was happening, he showed up with a girlfriend, a German immigrant older than him; they were now moving in together in another part of Brooklyn.

After meeting a couple of weeks prior on a popular dating site, a site used almost purely for casual hookups.

Either way, I continued trying to be friendly with Raphael, even helping this girlfriend’s move out of a house she shared with her estranged husband. My being there was also partly because Raphael could not go there personally due to a restraining order against him and the situation in the house shared between the still-married couple.

Later in the year, It got to our kid’s birthday in October, and I invited him to the party at our home in Yonkers, New York; even against my wife’s reservations of him not being a friend, but at the end of the day, she said if he was my friend I was free to invite him.

In December of that year, upon hearing we typically had a small house party during the holidays, Raphael decided he wanted to come. So I let him, and he came with his girlfriend, and from both their behaviors during the party, everyone felt weird.

When a grown woman acts like she felt she had some competition in the building and a very possessive manner, she then sits on her new boyfriend’s lap publicly all through a party. Then transition to the openly and continuously head-licking of her boyfriend, with his participation in front of everyone, people present were cringed and concluded they were a weird couple.

Around that time, I also worked on improving my long-existing blog site and on the possibility of adding a podcast. I had been looking for collaborators, and I had told a few people, and they were interested in coming on board, all this long before I met Raphael. I was also looking for other hosts and possibly producing other podcasts. All these plans were supposed to materialize in the fall of 2016. My schedule was to leave in February for over six months on military assignment, as I was a reserve soldier at the time.

I mentioned my project to Raphael that Christmas in passing, on a WhatsApp text. He first said he wanted to make a guest appearance, then invited himself to be a co-host early next February before my departure on my assignment.

I did not think much of it until after he asked what equipment I was thinking of buying, which I shared with him. Then he said I should have told him earlier; I did not know what he meant at the time. I continued with what I was doing.

Then he sent an online receipt on the same day a few of the equipment came by courier to my house, just six days before I left for my assignment. I didn’t even bother to bring it up with him; my focus was on the things I had to finish before I left. That was a big mistake in the long run!

After I left, more equipment came to our house. My wife left it in storage unopened. The total cost from the receipt was $1780, and it was four-pieces of stuff that I did not want since I had provided him with a hypothetical working list. Raphael never discussed or even mentioned what he was doing when he bought and sent the equipment.

I came back late in July of 2017 and immediately picked up a contract position with the New York Army National Guard, first in the Honors Guard section, then in Public Affairs/Public Relations. So, in short, I had no time for any side project, which was what my blog/podcast brand had become. In addition to the fact, we were expecting a second child.

Raphael never brought up any podcasting in 2017 before or even after moving in with his partner. He also had no income or job during that period. I, on my part, left all the equipment unopened and in storage.

Our child was born April 2018, after which Raphael brought up the podcast subject one day in late June. So I told him that we should record, but first, he should give me a couple of weeks to buy the actual equipment we would need since most of what he purchased would not be useful.

After buying the equipment needed, I asked if he would learn the audio software editing part since I did not have time to brush up on my audio editing skills, and there was no budget to pay someone to do it as all the funding was coming from me. I also told him that he could take the equipment he bought. He came to our house on invitation six times after that, once for a party, another time because he wanted to eat Nigerian food over the holiday season. He also came four other times to record podcast episodes. Each time, he refused to take his equipment, like he did not want them anymore.

Either way, we tried to record in a few indoor spots around New York City, then at my place, which was the best place I had available. He never learned the editing, so all the content we managed to recorded had to sit waiting for editing.

Then, I finally attended some content creation courses with the Defense Information School in Fort Meade, Maryland, late in September 2018, which allowed me to brush up on my previous editing skills. I could now edit and then put out the podcast content; all the cost and work were still on me.

Later in the year, I had to go to Europe for work and then attend a more prolonged course at Fort Meade, from October 2018 to March of 2019, something I communicated to everyone I did business with and others who might need me during the period. Also, I told Raphael we should have to have solutions to proceed in my absence. Like the two other podcasts and some private production contracts I had at the time, they had decided on solutions for my extended absences.

Somehow, all that not only went over Raphael’s head, but it got him even disagreeing with me and telling me I shouldn’t be going anywhere. I guess at the time, he had won some deal that allowed him to use a studio in Brooklyn, and they would help him edit and put out his content. He wanted to do it alone, which would have been fine with me if he said so, but he made it seem to others at the time unbeknown to me that I was firing him.

He started acting weirder than before, and my family started raising concerns about having him in the house while recording our last episode on December 27, 2018; he was my friend, not theirs. His partner had also taken every opportunity to be unpleasant and unfriendly towards us since we met her, which added to everything else. To say they were a weirder couple at the time was an understatement.

After our last recording, when I was on a two-week break from my course and back in New York, I told him I would not be back again till late March. He should look for options, maybe go the route of a host to fill. That led to the final descent of any relationship I had with him.

So on January 4, 2019, Raphael picked that day to address all his issues after being informed that I was driving back to Maryland after my course break. The entire communication was done on the road by text, through the vehicle voice prompt. So I spent my whole more trip more 4-hour back answering angry text messages.

He continued after I got to my destination, and then he picked 4 am the next morning when I was in my place in Maryland, where he told me that he wanted his equipment.

I told him he could get any equipment he had sent to my house in the past, that he could pick it up when next I would be in New York. He said he was going to my house to pick it now that Saturday.

I told him he wasn’t invited to come to my house to harass my family about equipment or a venture; they were never involved parties. He ignored me and said he was going to my house. At that time, I realized that Raphael felt that the nine times he had been invited to our home in about three years since I met him had given him some very destructive entitlement. That he could walk into our house anytime, he liked and did as he pleased. Like my criminal professor in Law School would say, “familiarity breeds contempt, and that’s the major cause of crimes committed.”

At the time, I knew if possible, I would have to find a way of getting a pass to go home for the weekend and handle this situation personally and physically.

I found a way to leave, claiming I had a special dental appointment in New York. As I was leaving, Raphael’s girlfriend, the same one who had always gone out of her way to be very unpleasant towards us, somehow had managed to get my wife’s phone number (they were not friends) and texted, telling her they were coming in the morning to our home to pick up what they felt was theirs. That Raphael and I had agreed to that arrangement — which we never did.

When my wife sent me the text, it was past 11 pm, I had parked my car at the Baltimore train station and was on the Greyhound bus back to New York, an almost 6-hour trip.

I eventually got home to New York before 4 am on Saturday, January 6, 2019. First, I called to request a change in my dental appointment from 1: 20 pm to 7 pm, since I had no idea how long all the drama would take. Facing and ending any threat of Raphael and his nomadic German partner was my goal that weekend.

By 6:00 am, I first pulled out my weapons and got them ready. I knew in physical combat, they were all not in my class, no matter how physically handicapped I might have been from recent leg muscle rehab. However, no matter what, I would make it empathic and finish it became the scenario presented. If you had the guts to walk into my home blindly for a confrontation, possibly with your partner and young baby, then you deserved not to leave — alive.

My wife sensing what I might have been thinking, gave me a look. So I first called the cops, they showed up before 9:00 am. I explained the situation to them, and they took his name, said they would give him a call and coordinate with the police precinct close to his house to prevent him from coming, that I should file a case in court to get this resolved and that I should not be doing business like this at home. I sent my wife and kids to their own planned appointment and waited for Raphel and whoever he might have chosen to follow him. I did this just in case they would still come. Frankly, I was hoping they would.

They never showed up, my wife and kids came back around 1 pm, the cops came in to check every two hours till about 5 pm.

Either way, I did not hear much from him; I returned to Maryland on Sunday night. I planned to file a case against him when I returned in March, that had to be in person in Yonkers, but he quickly got a claim filed, and the hearing date set, of course, when I would still be in Maryland. I sent a request to the Yonkers City Court to reschedule to a day I would be around; I also informed them a week after, I should be back from my course; I had a family vacation in the last weeks of April to take care of family business.

They scheduled the next hearing on the very day we were supposed to get back from vacation. Our flight was to land at noon; the hearing was for 1 pm. I informed the court multiple times about that reality, even on the plane the day we returned. We landed around 4 pm New York time and had missed the hearing time. I tried to reach the courthouse by phone and was not able to get them. When I did get them on the phone, they told me I should expect a letter from the court and take it from there. I also went there in person, and they confirmed the same to me.

One week later, I was alerted to a message Raphael had been circulating on social media. He called me a thief and a saboteur, that anyone who is friends with him should not be friends with me, as a straight choice, and said that after an inquest, the court had agreed with him.

I chose not to respond on any of my personal social media pages, only on the social media space we had created for the podcast and to the Real Madrid club, where I had first met him.

After all this, I received the letter from the court weeks later saying that a case brought against me was decided in my absence. Without input from me, as an inquest that I had a right to request a reopening.

So I went through requesting a reopening, paperwork, notarization, paying a $5 fee, and then mailing out to Raphael’s home address. But I got to be honest; I was all about settling scores with physical combat; “I like to call it “don’t write checks with your mouth that your ass can’t cash.” See, when someone like Raphael could create noise by talking all that nonsense on social media, then labeling me as a terrible human being. Adding that he & his partner calling my wife and insisting on coming to our house uninvited to take whatever they deemed was theirs. Then not showing up, causing discomfort to my family, and dragging them into this mess created mostly by Raphael and his partner. So my whole thing for me going to court was to settle scores

personally.

I went to the courthouse and showed up for the hearing date; the Judge refused to reopen the case that day. He said he would decide later and that I would hear from him. If not, then the case had been dismissed overall for lack of substance.

Raphael came there with his partner and their baby. He wanted to use them as a shield in the cowardly way he always acted. At this time, I did not care; I went straight to him, calling him out; his partner started recording and insulting once she saw me. I returned her insults and faced Raphael. He immediately denied wanting any equipment with fear on his face and in his eyes. But I would not let go; I felt since he was an internet warrior, he needed to live up to what he had gone around saying.

I followed him around returning all his online insults and accusations in person, waiting for him to attack because we were still within the court premises, and the New York State court police were close by, within distance. So I did not want to start a fight because the coward would look like a victim, I wanted him to try and strike me so I could counterstrike, and we would both be at fault in case of any police intervention. Instead, he ran away back to the courthouse, saying that he wanted to talk with the Judge.

The Cops asked me to leave; I left in my car. That was the last thankfully that I physically saw him or personally dealt with the court case, as the judge threw it out for lack of substance from what I understood later.

I made sure to remove him and his partner from any social media account and cease communicating with them. I had a few friends who knew him & me and relayed some things he said on social media; they told me how wrong he was and how inappropriate his behavior was. He always behaved that way whenever he had any misunderstandings about anyone. Being friends with someone like him against my intuition and judgment became the worse decision I have ever made in New York because I wanted to blindly support black/African.

Today, I still believe in “supporting black/African,” as I always will, but my approach is different. You can’t make people or situations into what they are not; in other words, Bejing cannot become New York. Take it for what could be described as a mini motto.

And yeah, the equipment I donated them since they were not useful to me.